From the office of the chairWOMAN, 30 November 2013
***Listen up! There are no apologies offered for the absence of memos since summer. This has been a terribly busy time for the chairWOMAN account having to further deal with the “Weiner Affair,” the IRS scandals, the Benghazi slaughter, Fast-and-Furious, and Hillary Clinton since she’s connected to all of them and has told me she’s mad as hell, had nothing to do with them, and won’t take it anymore. Add the fiasco vis-à-vis the rollout (or roll-off…little joke there) of the ACA and even a Nader Raider could understand the complicated spin involved. By the way, the rumor that Ms. Weiner lives in this country and stays married to the creep because she can’t drive a car in her own country, Saudi Arabia, is not true. She considers Hillary a role model for women with spousal perverts and follows her lead, which currently is attempting to raise enough funds to move to another state and run for the senate.
***IMPORTANT! The term Obamacare is no longer in use and any staffer using it will be shunted off to the Durbin Re-indoctrination Center & Gulag, with its particular emphasis on how to lie believably. The proper term is AFFORDABLE CARE ACT. Do not—NOT!—bring up this subject in town-hall meetings, whether in school gymnasiums or – more usually – in bars. If someone else does, simply switch the subject to something like FLOTUS’s latest treatise on peanut-butter-jelly sandwiches (bad) but never to Benghazi or – absolutely never – to Syria! Have bouncers on call for hecklers who claim the ACA is an oxymoron. If that doesn’t work, drive home the point that ACA dysfunction is, as usual, the fault of former POTUS Bush.
***POTUS is still considering instituting a Department of Gender and has requested another yellow/black/white/red paper on how to do this while still awaiting word from the LBGTQ group as to how many genders there are. This hasn’t been settled yet mainly because the American Conference of Transitioning and Ultimate Personhood (known for short as ACT-UP) still threatens to sue something or somebody if not included in the gender-count, but certainly not in the Q group. Also, a complaint from something called the Platonic Education Department Of Pleasing Habituations in Loving Eroticism (PEDOPHILE, for short) has been lodged with AG Holder, claiming gender-status and threatening action from some Catholic priests account violation of First Amendment rights.
***A word of caution: Since becoming Secretary of State, following in the footsteps of Hillary Clinton, and since he was a senator for much longer than she, John Kerry is an item, along with Clinton, to be handled with great care concerning the presidency-race in 2016. You might do well in meetings to mention age since Hillary will be 69 and Kerry 73 in 2016, while the chairWOMAN will be only 50…something to think about. Kerry once declared before a Senate committee that American GIs murdered 200,000 folks per year in Vietnam (about 1.6 million altogether) and Clinton claimed last year that an 11-minute you-tube movie in Cairo caused the slaughter of American officials in Benghazi. Both were lying, of course. Don’t bring these things up but if someone (you plant?) should ask about them…well…
***A number of if not most staffers are 26 or under. POTUS has suggested that the DNC encourage you to voluntarily remove yourselves from your parents’ healthcare insurance in the interest of magnanimously (straight from some teleprompter) exhibiting your patriotism in keeping the new millions being added to Medicaid from dying prematurely. Since legally he couldn’t do this and executive orders to take you off would look bad right now, especially with regard to more than a thousand other exemptions already made illegally…little joke there…and the big one concerning the unions to be made at midnight on some Friday, he is anxious for you to send money. POTUS has offered to autograph the cast of any affirming respondent with a broken limb or the lab report of anyone suffering from some dread disease or even a bad cold.
***DNC workers may moonlight in the evenings and during the weekends as Navigators and this sounds like a good deal for both experience and some extra cash to help in the withdrawal from parents’ insurance benefits. The training takes very little time since the healthcare web-site isn’t running correctly yet (and may never); however, POTUS insists that it be used. Navigators simply punch up the system on their computers and wait with their clients until something happens. This may take a few hours or a week since, as POTUS promised, some 30 million or so will be signing up for healthcare for the first time. At its current alleged capacity of processing 50,000 applications per day, this should last about 600 days, though predictable glitches and glitch-fixers and glitch-fixer-fixers may string this out into years. In the meantime, HHS Secretary Sibelius is urging people not to get sick or even fall for the next couple of years. Two complete baths or showers every day and washing hands every 15 minutes are suggested for escaping infectious diseases. Also, avoiding crowds except at POTUS speeches is recommended, though breathing through a mask might be a good idea.
And so it goes.