Dear President Obama:
As CEO of the Institute for Modifying All Government Entities (known by its acronym IMAGE), I am writing to offer our services particularly vis-à-vis the rumor that you plan to institute a cabinet-level Department of Gender. As you can well imagine, there will be a need to make this department relevant to national needs, especially in California, where gender is generally what anyone says it is, notwithstanding the official opinion of the National Organization of Women that “gender” is a discriminatory term militating against unisex, the only politically correct definition of people or animals or birds or bees. Indeed, you have just enhanced this definition as commander-in-chief by ordering women into combat units, thereby adding the elements of reason and birth-control to the fighting, which until now has always been defined as simply breaking things and killing people.
Actually, this approach was engendered by IMAGE’s department Management of Orgiastic Ruminations on Nonchalance, known as MORON, for short. This is a new department recently instituted in view of your approach to sex, especially your approval of the after-morning pill or live-birth abortions, whichever comes first, for 12-year-olds and up. No girl or woman should have to worry about the ramifications of her God-given-right to hanky-panky, referenced in the Declaration of Independence as the pursuit of happiness. MORON does many things, among which are seminars designed to help anyone (even men) engage a proper rationale that “anything goes” in a democracy, which MORON defines as legalized anarchy, thereby allowing any and all kinds of sexual activity, short of murders deriving from lover’s quarrels, of course.
It is also rumored that a top candidate to be the department’s new secretary is Jason Collins, upon whom, as you know, you recently lavished your imprimatur for his being courageous enough to “come out.” I assume the rumor that you plan to award him a Silver Star is in error since that is usually given to a combat-veteran. Nevertheless, IMAGE has a department to help this appointee to become acceptable to the general public or at least not be cowed by it, especially in the Bible-belt states. It’s called the Program for Erogenous Reactions to Vindictive Erroneous Religious Tenets, or PERVERT, for short. Some homosexuals tend to respond to criticism of their sexual behavior by realizing despair and even—horrors—at least temporarily refraining from pursuing happiness. It is the business of PERVERT to help them through this psychological problem, using another new program entitled Groove All Year, or GAY, for short.
Mr. Collins has been well-documented as having dumped a girlfriend of eight years (actually leaving her at the altar) so the candidate, besides being homosexual, may be bisexual or even tri-sexual, making your choice ever so much more appropriate. This, however, could lead some maliciously minded folks into believing he does not honor monogamy in his loving relationships and, therefore, might even—horrors—be promiscuous. IMAGE has this eventuality covered, however, in its Laboratory of Venereal Erogenous Rx, or LOVER, for short. This agency keeps all participants in the know relative to when, how, why, why not, when not and if not with regard to sleeping around and the various remedies for the results of same. IMAGE is taking the liberty of suggesting Sandra Fluke as either the secretary or deputy secretary, not because of the just mentioned possibility but because she, with your esteemed help, has put Obamacare on notice that law-school coeds are entitled to government-furnished condoms, pills, machinery and other means of both birth-control and STD-prevention, the better to pursue happiness without the constant worry of needing to abort the little suckers or catching something.
Currently, as you are aware, governments on various levels produce laws regulating behavior, requiring that people know what and where specific activities are possible or not possible. Some of these laws have to do with acceptable restroom behavior, for instance – unfair laws, of course, but enacted, nevertheless. A Department of Gender should have and furnish guidance in this matter, guarding behavior that might seem to be illegal but is actually okay, especially depending on location. California is not Mississippi, if you get my drift. The IMAGE agency responsible for this matter is the Bureau for Elective Success Through Improprieties, Aberrations and Licentiousness, or BESTIAL, for short. BESTIAL will furnish information as to the what, when, and how with regard to strange but perfectly legal behavior. For instance, one may do things in a Gay Pride parade in San Francisco that would be reason for arrest in Alabama. This is very important, especially since political correctness and diversity are exponentially important now. BESTIAL is equipped to go to court in even the backward states such as Kentucky to protect one’s right to pursue happiness in frolicking absolutely nude, for instance, or even marrying one or up to four people of the same sex…or the family dog, for that matter. The Department of Justice would do well to follow its guidelines.
In any case, I will appreciate hearing from you or from whatever representative you choose. Incidentally, I hope you are improving your shooting ability and note that cigarette-smoking is not illegal anywhere you say it isn’t, White House or not.
I.M. Otherself, CEO