Dear Rev. Dr. [other degrees & titles] Al Sharpton:
There are bunglers in the operation I head, the Institute for Modifying All Gregarious Entities, known familiarly as IMAGE, so I feel your pain when inferiors must be disciplined, dismissed, even water-boarded occasionally. To see the response to your recent leadership efforts resulting in only two New York policemen ambushed the other day when a dozen would have been preferred must be painful, although a policeman was killed in Florida the very next day. Consequently, I am approaching you with an offer from IMAGE that might help and has to do with reconfiguring your speeches/activities for better results. Obviously, you are among the elite in gregariousness.
The department of IMAGE that will help with the substance of your already rhetorical excellence is known as the Section for Preventing Erratic Eponymy Concerning Hubris-Led Epigrams Sustaining Silliness, known familiarly as SPEECHLESS. The operatives in SPEECHLESS will coach you into avoiding statements that—with all due respect—make you appear out of contact with reality. For instance, your promise made at Ferguson that the prosecutor won a battle in a war your folk will win was like the president's announcement that days-not-weeks would be the length of his seven-month war in Libya and that the result would be the Republic of Libya—free, free at last. Firstly, yours was a dumb exercise of conceit and, secondly, taking on all the police forces in the U.S. is quite silly. The winner of that war—which will not happen despite your erudition—would be quite obvious. You desperately need SPEECHLESS, and perhaps for a while—again with all due respect—that term should define your activity.
Another IMAGE department that will help has to do with methodology and is known as the Test-Energizer for Labeling Egregiousness in Preposterous Responses and Overreaching Mendacious Processes Tantamount to Erratic Rhetoric, known as TELEPROMPTER, for short. As you might guess, TELEPROMPTER instructors will show you the disadvantages of speaking without using notes. For instance, you spoke—surely off the cuff—the other day about death-threats you've received since the two cops were murdered. In the first place, nobody believes that and in the second place you made this tragedy all about you, just like Mayor de Blasio made Garner all about him and his son or just like the president made Trayvon Martin all about him and his non-son. Everything is not all about you except the fact that you are a tax-dodger owing the U.S and New York $4 million now (little joke there...no offense intended). Also, stop raising your hands and shouting “don't shoot.” Your detractors are accusing you of signaling a touchdown or successful three-point-shot when no game and no shooter (except maybe with a gun) is in sight. In other words, don't act like a wannabe referee, coach, umpire, gang-banger or a sort of looney-tunes cartoon character like Roadrunner, or a leftover from the Three Stooges.
In light of your recent efforts in behalf of urging protestors to shut down New York City at Christmastime, you need help from the IMAGE agency known as the Institute for Normalizing Sanity And Negating Inanity, Trivia and Yammering, known as INSANITY, for short. Your “I Can't Breathe” slogan is wearing thin now, especially since you breathe right well amidst your $5 million worth of assets scrounged-up on the backs of folks who actually trust you and whom you've brainwashed into lying down in intersections where they could have a hard time breathing if accommodating an 18-wheeler like just another of the many NYC potholes do. Nor do you do your Cause (whatever it is besides personal enrichment) any good when you trivialize it by commandeering churches—built to honor God, not you—to deliver your diatribes and enhance your Cause's demands for thousands of funerals for policemen to be held in them, perhaps presided over by the Rt. Rev. Dr. Imam Louis Farrakhan in a show of solidarity of your National Action Network with the Nation of Islam, both sharing the slogan “Dead Cops—Now!”
Constantly showing your angst in public has made you seem like a spoiled brat always on the verge of banging his fists and feet on the floor and blaming somebody else (usually republicans or some police-chief—little joke there, nothing personal) for goofing up. The IMAGE arm that will help with this problem is the Agency for Reducing Gnashing of Teeth, known familiarly as ARGOT. At the Brown funeral, you intoned that “Blackness has never been about being a gangster or a thug.” Making that statement encouraged people to think you protested too much, meaning what you said wasn't true. You need help from ARGOT, which also has an anger-management department.
I hope you will consider IMAGE as you plan the protests for yet another trip to St. Louis, as well as your 2015 events, especially the ones you have to invent.
I.M. Reverself, CEO
And so it goes.