Dear President Obama,
In view of your imminent speech scheduled for Egypt in June, when you kick-off your Mid-East round of apologizing for the existence of the United States – let me congratulate you on your marvelous apologizing on your London/Turkey visit – I’m taking the liberty of suggesting that you avail yourself of the services of my company, the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities, known as IMAGE, for short. While your apologizing efforts are commendable, I believe they can be improved. You may remember that the president of Uganda called President Clinton’s remarks in his African round of apologies so much “rubbish;” therefore, you need to be on your guard about fouling up apologies since some shabby apologies have been known to start wars. It is widely known that Hitler invaded Russia because Stalin did not properly apologize for calling sauerkraut the “fruit of the outhouse,” or something like that.
One tool of IMAGE designed for proper apologizing is called the Guidebook for Repentance Obviating Vicious Empire Legitimizing, (GROVEL, for short). The instructors using this manual will help you learn to apologize for the invasions of Kuwait, Afghanistan, Iraq, and Guantanamo, as well as just thinking about invading Pakistan, as you’ve lately threatened to do. Just saying that all this invading was the Bushes’ fault will not help you since Middle-easterners not only have short memories but multitudes of them are illiterate, as well, so they never read al Jazeera and only watch the Buzkashi shows on TV, sort of like American Polo but played using a dead goat as the ball. Grovel will help you properly apologize in Egypt for Anwar Sadat’s assassination by Muslim jihad-mongers not long after he met with Jimmy Carter and shook hands with Menachim Begin, Islamists’ most hated Israeli at the time. Carter should apologize but no one would believe him, so you should.
Grovel will also help you apologize for the fact that Saddam was hanged in Iraq without the proper number of TV crews in place and for the water-boarding of Sheik Khalid and the fact that a caterpillar or earthworm was allowed to attack him in his cell at Guantanamo, thus making him upchuck on his prayer rug while he was reciting the Beheading-Vows. Grovel will probably suggest a side-trip to Armenia and help you appropriately apologize to the Armenians for apologizing to the Turks after you called attention to the genocide of 1915 in order to get the Armenian-American vote. You also need to properly apologize to the Afghani poppy-growers for claiming they should be put out of business, especially since Ambassador-Supreme Holbrooke said in March that to do so would be wasteful. Opium is their only cash crop. Additionally, you would lose the vote of the hopheads in this country.
The IMAGE department for facilitating good relations with those who hate us is the Agency for Befriending All Sensitive Enemies (ABASE, for short). Apologies to sworn enemies are very important. You should immediately but carefully apologize to Iran President Ahmadinejad for the remarks made to him by Columbia University President Bollinger in 2007, when the insensitive educator, just before Ahmadinejad gave a speech there, said to him that he exhibited "all the signs of a petty, cruel dictator." Bollinger was right, of course, but ABASE will fashion for you an apology that will make him the equivalent of Attila the Hun while making Ahmadinejad into the “pearl of the east,” and also teach you how to properly abase yourself with an appropriate genuflection to any available ayatollah, imam, or other religious jihad-miscreant.
ABASE will help you apologize for the fact that you have intimated that you think Ahmadinejad might have been wrong about the fiction of the Holocaust and for treating Israelis as human, proven by your sending State Secretary Clinton to Jerusalem to actually talk to those people. It wouldn’t hurt – all over the world, actually – to also apologize for Clinton, since she accused the Bosnians or some other Muslims of placing her in dangerous sniper-fire during her landing in that country (had to run for her life), where she was greeted by a fifth-grade girl and the president of Bosnia…an egregious lie that would make even ACORN look good in this country. Ahmadinejad is a sensitive enemy, proven by his mystical vision during his UN speech in 2005 and by advocating that only one hand of a thief be severed for crimes involving booty of less than 79 cents, so he’s a valid target for ABASE services.
The department for teaching the proper amount/method of observing diversity as the cultural norm for worldwide politics is known as the Agency for Sanitizing Hubris, Acrimony and Malevolent Enterprises (ASHAME, for short). You must apologize immediately to His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, head honcho of the United Arab Emirates, for the embarrassment he suffered at the Kentucky Derby, when a horse that arrived in a highway-trailer and initially sold for $9,500 beat his horses, costing millions and arriving in their own 747s, but came in eighth and fourteenth.
I’m sure the sheik had paid enough to fix the race but got bamboozled, with the final buck for this perfidy landing on your desk. Hopefully, you were not in on the flim-flam (I don’t want to know) and didn’t come out way ahead financially, but embarrassing the richest man in the world, and even worse (gasp), embarrassing his horses, calls for a proper self-flagellation and humiliation. ASHAME can tell you exactly how to accomplish this and, as part of its PR program, help you finagle some loans for our failing economy, in the bargain.
In Egypt, you need to apologize to President Mubarak for current aid to his country of only $1.7 billion; to the Saudis for exhibiting malevolence about the price of oil; to Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari (soon, while he’s out of jail) for threatening the hubris to invade the Swat Valley; and to Hezbollah for the acrimonious denouncing of beheadings and road-bombs.
This is only a start, but perhaps you see the value of using IMAGE to keep yours straight.
I.M. Reverself, CEO