Dear President Obama,
In connection with your current effort in Libya, Iím offering the services of the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities (IMAGE, for short). Itís the job of IMAGE to enhance the persona of a client in such a way as to make him/her appear acceptable to the public regardless of how brilliant, incompetent, stupid, or just squirrelly he/she (equal opportunity, diversity, multiculturalism, ethnicity, creed, etc. always observed respectfully) may be. Speaker Boehner is publicly on your case presently regarding all those Libyans you have ordered killed in behalf of saving other Libyansí lives, or something like that. This is not a criticism of your heroic effort, just stating facts. Senator McCain was in Libya in April and said the Libyans youíre saving are his heroes, besides being nice people we can trust.
The arm of IMAGE that would be appropriate at the beginning is the seminar entitled Waging Alien Readjustments, or WAR, for short. You are entitled, as any president is, to conduct at least one war, with two or more even better. Your problem now is that you have told a number of heads of governments to get out of Dodge (little old-west levity there, meaning ďrun for their livesĒ) but some of them have refused to do so and have even had the temerity to pay no attention to you, an actual act of diplomatic war, figuratively speaking, requiring not diplomatic revenge, but a reasoned explanation of why they should obey the loudest mouth in the world. WAR operatives can help you form these reasoned arguments, even if there arenít any, and explain why you canít just order world leaders around or accuse them of acting stupidly, as you have done with regard to white policemen.
The arm of IMAGE that would obviously follow is the Bureau for Utilizing Loquaciousness in Liberty-Yammering, otherwise known as BULLY. In connection with Libya, you have done what any playground monster would do, namely, pick on the smallest available potential victim. Libyaís population is two-million less than that of New York City and Qadaffi has to make do with hired assassins from the Congo or somewhere, so you could hardly lose, although you actually do need to give Qadaffi the ďOsama treatmentĒ before Boehner starts blathering about NATOís costs, which are mostly borne by American taxpayers. Your choice of Libya for your war was not the problem; rather, you havenít explained why you chose it. No one expected you to invade Russia or China or even Syria for your war.
Both the Constitution and the War Powers Act of 1973 have to do with your responsibility to protect the public from invasions, etc., but you havenít explained how Libya was a clear and present danger to this country. BULLY operatives would prepare your teleprompters in such a way as to make the case that Qaddafi threatened the whole world with his huge army (76,000 troops) during his UN speech in 2009 about global things. Also, when he pitched his tent in New York City and demanded camel-space in violation of city ordinances, he was obviously sending a message that a hotel might come under attack at any moment, meaning one that he had planned but obviously went awry. See the difference between all that compassion-dribble and far better, more reasoned propaganda? BULLY would also help you explain why you didnít listen to the military guys, Gates and Mullen, both of whom said publicly that attacking Libya was strictly bananas.
The next entity in IMAGE that would help you is the Agency for Rationalizing Arab Beheadings and Stoning Prerogatives in Rebellions/Insurrections Necessitating Gravitas, otherwise known by its acronym, ARAB SPRING. This is right in line with your glorification of all the people in the streets this year in Tunisia, Egypt, Syria, Yemen, Bahrain and now Libya, despite the fact that a slew of them have already been buried on the same day their protests took place. If you had been in IMAGEís care, you would not have encouraged young people, for instance, to take the fall, but old codgers, who are pretty well washed up anyway. ARAB SPRING will help you explain to the American people that Muslims are happy and of no threat, and that their requirements for societal welfare are just different from those of even hillbilly Kentucky. Instead of an eye-for-an-eye, they sometimes require a whole body-for-an-eye. Itís just a matter of degree.
The second area of ARAB SPRING, regarding gravitas, has to do with your needed efforts to convince Arabs and Muslims that they need to have better reasons for cutting off limbs, for instance, just for stealing a loaf of bread. Or, you need to convince them of the need to explain to the world how their punishment is better than civilized punishment, to wit for instance, that a one-armed teenager will have a harder time breaking and entering in order to steal another loaf of bread, or in this country, Lebron James sneakers. This will require IMAGE-ARAB SPRING to work with your state department, but a bit of caution is in order regarding personnel. William Ayers, your friend and mentor, of Weather Underground Ė Community Organizing fame, is not a candidate for dealing with the Muslims since he is just like them. The Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright might be helpful since heís made it clear that one can damn this country but still thrive quite well in it. That should make any Arab happy and score points for you in 2012.
Hoping to hear from you.
I.M. Reverself, CEO