Dear Senator Obama,
You'll notice that I used the warm-fuzzy, friendly comma instead of the usual, stern colon after my greeting, even though this is a business letter. The reason: You mentioned in that interview the other evening that you intend to make government "cool," the inference consequently drawn here that you're laid-back and a first-name kind of guy who wouldn't mind being called Barry if we should meet. This is partly the reason for this letter, i.e., I believe you can be helped in your campaign by my firm, the Institute for Modifying All Government Entities, known familiarly, especially in Washington, by its acronym – IMAGE.
Making government "cool" is not "in" this year, notwithstanding the need for Vice President Cheney to appear human. Making government "cool" is like appreciating a speeding ticket from the "cool" trooper who flashes a "cool" smile while flashing his "cool" badge and "coolly" heads you toward financial ruin. There's no argument with your effort, but you need the help of an IMAGE arm called the Department for Understanding Propaganda Effects, known by its acronym DUPE. DUPE would have shown you how to make the government "cool" by not mentioning "cool" at all; rather, for instance, you might have said you intend for government to take a hike when party-time has arrived. The dull public would never imagine that you consider party-time as all the time, since the boonies figure party-time to be just a fling…over in a few hours, whether one is under the table or not.
That willowy dance you pulled off on the Ellen Degeneres TV-program was a mistake, though you at least didn't hang upside-down as you might have been forced to do if you had appeared on the Rosie O'Donnell show when Rosie was still pretending sanity. You would have been warned off that gig if you had availed yourself of the IMAGE agency Department for Inclusiveness in Verbally Enhancing Religious and Sexual Emotions, known for short as DIVERSE. Instead of doing an emotionally charged suggestive dance, you would have engaged Degeneres in a deep discussion (verbal enhancement combined with religious/sexual/sensuous enhancement) of what you said before that Gay, Lesbian, Transgender audience a few months ago, when you and Hillary were fighting for that vote but not dancing in the aisles or quoting scripture. Senator Biden didn't participate, and it's rumored that one of his staffers plagiarized material from a DIVERSE manual that warned him away from that clambake. He fired the staffer on the grounds of plagiarism but took the advice.
That slip-of-the-tongue, presumably, on the ABC Stephanopoulos clambake the other Sunday when you alluded to your "Muslim faith" and had to be corrected by George concerning your "Christian faith," thus causing viewers to wonder, would not have happened if you had been prompted by the IMAGE agency known as the Institute for Deceptively Innovative Observations of Truth, known familiarly as IDIOT. Being a Muslim is okay, as is being a Christian, but Islam is terribly unattractive at this time (those awful bombs and beheadings), while Christianity is acceptable even among the murderers on Death Row. IDIOT would furnish ways to present the faith in ways that would antagonize no one, especially those from the Mason-Dixon line southward in the "Bible Belt," where facing East five times a day is considered to be warmongering and sacrilegious. For instance, IDIOT might have prompted you to say something like "my faith that is the exact opposite of the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright's." That would have been a winner, and all the righteous, rowdy rednecks would have toasted you with a six-pack.
The IMAGE agency known as Facial Ostentation Prestidigitation Seminar, obviously FOPS, for short, would certainly have kept you from mentioning the application of lipstick to pig-lips so soon after repub veep candidate Sarah Palin had mentioned it in connection with soccer moms. Though FOPS generally applies suggestions concerning the face of the client (use of tongue- and nose-rings, for instance), in this case it would have concerned the face of the opposition. Insulting soccer moms comprises a death-wish. In a FOPS session, the convener addressing this subject probably would have mentioned the simple tying of a bow around a pig-neck, thus making whatever point you had in mind such as the economy or Palin, but without the obvious chauvinism occasioned by the lipstick remark. Or, he might suggest going scriptural (popular these days, especially since Palin is a Pentecostal) and warning against throwing pearls before the swine.
As you can see from these examples, you need help, not unusual for candidates in the heat of a campaign, when each crowd addressed, not to mention the media audiences, demands specific approaches. In closing, I suggest the use of another IMAGE agency immediately, namely the Syllogism Locution Institution for Purveying Propaganda, Errata and Righteous Yammering (SLIPPERY, for short). The acronym speaks for its use, notwithstanding the mistaken conclusion by some that SLIPPERY merely puts things out of focus – everything. I hope to hear from you soon.
I.M. Reverself, CEO