Dear Senator Reid,
As CEO of the Institute for Modifying All Government Entities (known by its acronym IMAGE), I am writing not to offer services, my usual objective, but to invite you to become an operative of IMAGE. You have demonstrated inordinate potential for success by both your actions and your words, not to mention that you are trailing badly in the popularity polls in Nevada currently and might be looking for work next year, though admittedly you would fit well in any casino setting at home, subterfuge being a natural talent.
IMAGE has many departments/seminars but I mention only a few in which you would be a good fit. One such seminar is labeled the class for Patriotic and Homiletic Outpourings, Objurgations and Evangelical Yammering or PHOOEY, for short. You’ve bravely noted your patriotism by declaring the Iraq conflict as lost and proven your homiletic ability in mini-sermons in the Senate or press conferences wherein you have labeled both George Bush and General Petraeus as liars, in the latter’s case joining State Secretary Clinton, when she was a senator, though she did so right to his face in a Senate hearing and not behind his back. You’ve also indicated your ability to be harsh (but tender) when necessary, placing your arm around Speaker Pelosi in that press conference and explaining what she meant, thus saving her from embarrassment but also putting her on notice that she’d better shape-up. You will join a handful of TV evangelists vis-a-vis yammering by designing methods to induce weeping about the uninsured homeless while separating the “flock” from its hard-earned cash, a vital component of politics, as you know. You noted quite eloquently the other day that people are actually dying too soon, thus violating their Constitutional right to live. You have talents that shouldn’t go unused.
You’re already well-trained to perform in the IMAGE seminar labeled Debating Exercises for Cosmetologizing or Excluding Issues and Tax-talk, or DECEIT, for short. You’ve most notably proven your ability in this area in your handling of the health-care legislation and your preliminary work toward cap-and-trade. You’ve masterfully handled the debate side by simply bargaining for enough votes in your party to foreclose any serious contrary debate. Obviously, the best way to win a debate is not to have it (little joke there). Selling out the whole U.S. to the state of Nebraska vis-a-vis Medicaid was a master-stroke, as was the $300 million sellout of the U.S. to Louisiana, with the result being badly needed votes and even allowing Senator Nelson to make it appear that his objections were all about abortion. Your remarks regarding taxes also indicate a sure debate-killer/winner, that of total obfuscation, the ability to so thoroughly bury in unadulterated crap a subject as to make it completely unrecognizable and therefore un-debatable.
Your well-demonstrated ability toward exercising nepotism in pursuit of gobs of greenbacks qualifies you for conducting the IMAGE activity Seminar for Teaching the Elements of Administrative Looting, known by its acronym STEAL. Whether as helped by you in your office or Nevada state-offices or in those hallowed lobbyists’ offices in Washington, your high-living relatives are the perfect example of how to do the government before it does you. Also, your reception of some $220,000 from the George Soros gang qualifies you indelibly as a looter of some skill, thus perfect for STEAL. Nor does it hurt your reputation that 48% of ACORN’s voter-registrations in Nevada last year were frauds, and, of course, your “suggestion” to Senator Vitter that no investigations be made, lest health-care and the economic recovery be jeopardized by such a distraction.
You would be perfect for energizing IMAGE’s activity labeled Stratagems for Effecting Loyalty and Loot and Obtaining Unaccountability Troubleshooting, known, of course as SELLOUT. In getting both the Louisiana and Nebraska senators on board for health-care, you’ve already shown how you can merit loyalty by getting others to sellout, especially for loot. In getting Lieberman on board, you sold out yourself on the public option thing, or whatever it was, proving both the art of giving and grabbing sellout. By either you or an appointed senator constantly throwing doubt on the CBO or rearranging its figures, you’ve proven it to be susceptible to unaccountable Senate troubleshooting and therefore unaccountable to the public. You are a natural for this endeavor.
Finally, the best part, to wit, all payments for your services made “under the table,” if you get my drift! If you don’t – non-taxable, thus placing you on a par with Congressman Rangel and Treasury Secretary Geightner in the hoodwinking department. Payments will be tendered under IMAGE’s financial department, the Group Responsible for Economic Enterprise Division, known, of course, as GREED. I will anxiously await your answer.
I.M. Otherself, CEO