Following the elections last November, it became obvious to many democrats that it was no longer possible for citizens of the Blue States to live under the tyranny of the government of George II and the Red States. Howard Dean was asked by members of the Democrat National Committee to write a new Declaration of Independence, and was particularly encouraged to do so by the Kerry and Clinton wings of the party. It follows:
When in the course of inhuman events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's Creator - the god of Vermont - entitle them, a decent respect to the ethical and mental superiority of the Blue States requires that they should declare their causes for demanding separation from the Red States.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men, whether girlie or otherwise, are created randomly, that they are endowed by their Creator (the God of Vermont) with certain unalienable Advantages, among these being Life (limp-wristed or otherwise), Liberty (licentious or otherwise) and the pursuit of Happiness (including pursuit of interns, presidential or otherwise), and that to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among men, women, children, animals, trees, snail darters, homosexuals, asexuals, non-sexuals and other ethically-superior entities, deriving their just powers from the consent of the ACLU, NAACP, NOW, DNC, RAINBOW-PUSH, CLN, and RAILING (the Righteous Authority for Integrating Lying In Noble Governance). -
That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter, abolish, or secede from it, whichever is most feasible and most fun, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its new government in whatever form as shall be accounted most likely to mandate Safety and Happiness (including, but not confined to, successful pursuits of interns), along with three cars in every garage, five chickens in every pot, a partridge in every pear tree, a cell phone or palm-reader in every hand, the right of any hero to toss medals and/or ribbons anywhere and across any fence or upon any public building, and immediate treatment of every hangnail, even if self-inflicted. Prudence, indeed, dictates that Governments long established (especially as much as eight years) should not be changed for light and transient causes, such as waging war against terrorism, but only when a pattern of serious abuses, such as not allowing men to marry men or women to marry women or dogs to marry cats or students to skip all classes or votes by privates concerning 25-mile marches with full pack, occurs.
But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, such as a president shattering nerves by mentioning God or insisting upon saying nucular instead of nuclear, or the arrest and deportation of illegal aliens (especially if they face toward Mecca while buying one-way airline tickets), occurs, it is the right and duty of all citizens to throw off such government as acts so irresponsibly and despotically, and to provide new Guards for their future security, as well as the protection of diversity, multiculturalism, unisex status, political correctness, congressional junkets, the sanctity of the quadrennial Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire winter circuses, political contributions from China and bankrupt Buddhist convents, and unqualified use of the Lincoln Bedroom.
Such has been the impatient suffrage of the citizens of these several Blue States; and such is now the necessity constraining them to withdraw (peacefully, if possible, but with help from France and Germany, if not) from union with any governance supported by the vast majority of states, unfortunately known as Red. The history of the present president, George II, is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having the direct objective of establishing tyranny over these Blue States. To prove this, let a few facts be presented to a reasonable people:
(1) He has required that 4th-grade students be able to read:
(2) He has not admitted to a mistake;
(3) He has insulted "Olde Europe;"
(4) He has threatened to appoint sane judges;
(5) He has not apologized to Saddam for Abu Graib;
(6) He is known to quote the Bible in a public building;
(7) He has destroyed peace and tranquility in the Middle East;
(8) He has not condemned tsunamis in a timely manner.
(9) He has kept among us standing armies in times of peace;
(10) He has allowed Nike to corrupt young athletes;
(11) He has knowingly disparaged illegitimate births;
(12) He has encouraged sexual abstinence before marriage.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the Blue States, in general mayhem assembled, appealing to the god of Vermont and Supreme Judge of the World for the recklessness of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the authority of the good people and the others, in Hollywood, solemnly publish and declare that these Blue States ought to be Free and Independent States, and that all political connection between them and the Red States (known heretofore as the "Government") be severed; that they are absolved from all allegiance to George the Second and escape the tyranny he has brought upon the nation, thence having full power to levy more taxes, gain peace through incessant negotiation and accommodation, beat all swords into plowshares and pruning hooks, negate the opiate of the masses known as religion (recognizing the Marx-plagiarism, in all honesty), and declare 02 November 2004 as a "Day of Mourning" (or the nearest Friday in the interest of a long weekend).
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of the god of Vermont, we mutually pledge to each other the lives of our union members and African-American voters, the fortunes of all millionaires not in public office, and our sacred spin of all issues.
Typed this day, 24 January 2005, on a 1969 typewriter of the Texas Air National Guard and furnished by Dan Rather and CBS.