Czars...the New DUMA

The going thing in Washington these days is the “Czar Game.” So far, President Obamessiah has appointed 33 czars to take over parts of the government and report directly to him, thus bypassing all the Cabinet secretaries, who also report directly to him. The term “czar” is defined as “one having great power or authority” (Merriam-Webster Collegiate, 11th edition). Twenty of the first 21 or so appointments were Jewish, though there’s nothing wrong with that, and the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah (God Damn America) Wright whined recently that these Jews proscribe his access to the prez. The good cleric (inspirer of Audacity of Hope) has accused Israel of being in cahoots with the mischief-makers of 9/11, so maybe his protégé’s advisers figure he might blow them all to Kingdom Come if allowed on the premises. So…shalom, Jerry babe!

Well…the czars all do things that are within the responsibilities of the Cabinet secretaries, but they’re also highly-placed government officials, about which the Constitution requires the advice and consent of the Senate. This means that the Senate – acting about as fast as molasses pours at the Arctic Circle – would have to delve into the backgrounds of all these folks, and that could take eons of time. The dems would have to contrive ways to make the czars all appear as innocent as the new-blown snow while the repubs would dig up every smidgeon of dirt that could be found, going back at least a half-century. So…what’s the Great Deliverer to do in order to run the government right out of the White House? Just sign an executive order and VOILA!…a czar-star is born. Eat your heart out, senators, while you wonder how all this happened so fast.

Czars are bound to not come cheaply, of course, but the cost of having prez-ordained geniuses running the government is simply calculated to be whatever the public can bear, which in this case has no limit, since the country’s running on empty now anyway. Printing a few more billions is no problem to pay these keepers of the torch of freedom as they further the country’s descent into socialism. Having to depend on the Cabinet secretaries also takes time, and theirs is too valuable to be devoted to things such as Afghanistan and Pakistan, things that can just tie up a State Secretary for…well, hours. Now that Kim Jong Il has fired off some more missiles, there will have to be a 34th czar to take care of North Korea, since Secretary Clinton is probably tied up with helping Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez invade Honduras and sugar the gasoline in every service-station.

So…how much? Treasury Secretary Geithner makes $191,300 per year, explaining why, of course, he just can’t pay his taxes for those other two years he cheated the government out of (that statute of limitations thing, doncha know?). Since, like Geithner, the czars report directly to “He who walks on water,” they are bound to make as much. Of course, there are perks, like that valuable health benefit (has just received its own czar to administer), pensions, etc. Maybe something like $200,000 per czar would be a very conservative estimate of czar-cost, and this doesn’t even include travel expenses, glitzy hotels, meals at $100 per entrée, but who’s counting anyway? This means that just the basics come to some $6,600,000 per year, a small price to pay for the best brains in the land.

The rumor is that there will soon be an “Apology Czar,” since some of the president’s apologies for this nation’s existence (in places like the Middle East) have upset dear friends of the nation, like Iran’s newly reelected (what a laugh!) President Ahmadinejad. Then, there are the episodes of Obamessiah not genuflecting properly before either King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia (origin of 15 hijackers) or Venezuelan King Hugo. The first exercise for the new czar is rumored to be a proper apology to Fidel Castro for GM’s and Chrysler’s not sending parts for the Chevys and Dodges, circa the 1950s-60s. The car-czar (Rattner by name) will no doubt take care of this problem…maybe even send over a 1970 recently-overhauled Caddie. After all, though he’s never run an auto company, he is the auto expert and is already making plans to force the auto-makers to build cars that run on wind-power and get 5,000 miles to the gust.

So…let’s hear it for the new czars! In the land of the free and the home of the brave and the con of the czars, a new age is about to begin. The voters will still vote but the czars will inhabit the White House, and this will make the Russians happy, since they will then see their number one nemesis traveling down the same path that they took to oblivion. Who knows? Perhaps the czars will institutionalize themselves into the State Duma, thus completing Obamessiah’s total control of everything from Cheerios to Chevrolets. During the campaign, Obamessiah mentioned a national police force, so another czar will be needed…and that’s a right scary-sounding czar.