The B-D-K Midnight Conference

It's midnight…perfect time for a conference in D.C., this one during the Senate all-nighter and connecting Senators Biden, Dodd and Congressman Kucinich, hereafter referenced as B, D, and K, respectively.

K: I'm plenty steamed by those remarks Queen Hillary and Prince Charming Edwards made to each other after that debate and before their mikes had been turned off…that stuff Hillary said about us other candidates being trivialized or trivializing her and Pretty Boy. She knows she can't hog all the attention with us hanging around. What can we do about her? That's why I sneaked into Harry Reid's pajama party and got us together here.
B: Sheesh, Dennis! Speak for yourself. I'm not one of the guys she had in mind…just a hanger-on sort of…
K: You gonna pull that stuff on somebody like me, who's been around the block, Joe? Come on, how much have you raised lately to compare with what she has? Check your poll numbers…I mean…
D: Hey, wait a minute, Dennis…we're not in the same boat as you. We're bona fide candidates. We both sit on old Leaky's Judiciary Committee and…
K: So that's the game…well…the latest poll – today's, that is – has you at two percent, Joe, and you at one percent, Chris…and as for Leaky and the gang – poor campaign stuff…Roberts and Alito treated you guys like fifth-graders…
D: …And you not even registering in the poll, Dennis, so what makes you think we're in the same boat? Damn these all-nighters…I've had three cups of coffee and taken three valiums in order to both sleep and do my duty.
K: The same boat, Chris! Yeah…the same boat. Just remember, it was the Swiftie Boaters that got Kerry and that fugitive from a New Orleans backyard deep-sixed in 2004. I hear he's headed for Kentucky today to do the Appalachian Amble…hitting on all the huts between the Ohio River and Stinking Creek…have tears runnin' down the mountains. For cryin' out loud, Al Gore's at 15 percent and he's not even running…and besides that, his global-warming stuff is already being proven to be…what is it, Joe, that you said in that diner about Prince Charming's agenda?
B: Fluffernutter, Dennis, and don't make any wisecracks about it. I've got enough grief over that non-word, and all because that reporter caught me just after my coffee had burned my tongue and I was mad. I'm gonna get the prince to maybe sue somebody, though I wasn't burned where that lady was that got all that money from McDonald's when she parked the coffee you know where. Anyhow, the Prince with the Prell-Girl hair is only at 11 percent today, so he's maybe one of the trivialized and the queen was just buttering him up for another try at the veep spot…you know, that pull-out-and-cast-all-my-support thing, especially the money.
D: Yeah, the queen's a smart lady, and she definitely wouldn't pick Obama, since hubby Bill has already been the first black president and felt everyone's pain…felt a few other things, too. (laughter)
K: See what I mean…you guys have already given up…talking about the queen's running mate already. Just like me, you don't register far enough up in the polls to rate even the second chair. (laughs) Well…I'm still serious, see, but we second-echelon guys gotta stick together. At least we're not as far out in left field as Gravel, but Richardson is in at two percent, too, today, Joe, so all of us need to work together to find a stopper. Old New-Mex-Bill is a loner and he won't help. Besides, everybody knows his eye is on Cheney's digs.
B: Maybe you're right, Dennis. I've been runnin' ever since 1987 and…these all-nighters are a pain…Dingy Harry – that's what Limbaugh calls him – has a nerve pulling this stuff…I had plans for tonight and that speechwriter of mine took off with one of the secretaries and left me with nothing to say, so…where was I, anyway?
D: You were back in '87, Joe…remember that Irishman's speech you gave… (laughs)
B: Fluffernutter, Chris, and it ain't funny. That was a bum rap, anyway. I paid for that speech fair and square, so I actually bought the copyright…at least, if it had had one I would have, so…
K: Look, guys, I didn't give up a nice warm bed to come down here and listen to a couple losers spill their guts…
B: Nobody asked you to crash this party, Buddy Boy, so don't get smart with us. You got something to offer…then, offer it and then get the hell outta Dodge before I sic Barbara Boxer on you…and her name is as descriptive as…
K: Yeah, Barracuda Boxer would be the best, making her dangerous on both land and sea. But, I'm just wondering if maybe we could get Dan Rather to dig up the proper stuff on the queen bee here. (laughs) Have you noticed lately how she tries to speak like John Kerry…from the mountain, with the stone tablets under her arm? I'm hoping she herniates a vocal chord before the end of the year. Of course, John K has better hair, like Lawsuit John. But back to the subject…
D: You outta your mind, Dennis? They didn't have any Texas Air Guard typewriters in Little Rock or out at Whitewater or the Rose Law Offices. They sure's hell didn't have one in the "Monica Den" at the White House, either.
K: Okay, okay…it's just a thought. We gotta take the low road some time, though, so it might as well be now…before she does any more damage.
B: We'll give it some thought, Dennis, so goodnight for now. I'm on in a few minutes and I gotta go get a speech on Afghanistan from one of Dingy Harry's staffers, so…
D: Sheesh, Joe. We're talkin' about Iraq tonight…remember?