Judiciary Committee Conference-Call


Conference-call including chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Republican Arlen Specter, democrat Vice Chairman Pat Leahy, and democrat members Kennedy, Biden, Schumer, and Durbin, hereinafter referred to, respectively, as S, L, K, B, Sc, and D

S: Good afternoon, fellow members of the most august, solemn, deliberative, and highly respected…

K: Okay, Arlen, we’re not making our little campaign speeches in committee or on the floor, so let’s just…

B: Hey, Buddy Boy Teddy, watch your manners there. Arlen is our best hope for deep-sixing Alito and you’re…

Sc: Aw, leave ’im alone, Joe, after all, Arlen’s right…we’re the brightest and the least appreciated…

D: Yeah, that stuff plays well in Illinois, and I have to stand election again, so…

B: So you need all the help you can get there, huh Dickie Dude…well…I guess so…after comparing our guys at Gitmo with the Russkies in the Gulags and Hitler’s stormies…yeah…

L: Okay, knock it off, you guys. We don’t have all day here…I got some lobbyists comin’ in to write a coupla neat bills making Vermont’s ski slopes Washington’s problem if there’s not enough snow this winter, so…

S: Gentlemen, fellow senators, duly elected scions of all that’s great about this…

L: Can we just cut to the chase there, Arlen, and get down to the nitty gritty?

S: Of course we can, Pat, but first let’s take an oath that none of this stuff is leaked to Judith Miller or Tim Russert or Katie or Dianne or…

L: That’s a low blow, Arlen. That was ’way back in the 80s when I was accused of leaking during the Ollie North hearings and was kicked out…I don’t do that stuff now and I won’t do it again and…

K: Boy…you sure like to hurt a guy there, Arlen. You’ve pulled some pretty weird stuff yourself, like bragging that you’d sandbag John Roberts on Roe/Wade…I’m still laughin’…and I bet Roberts still has that silly grin on his face over there at SCOTUS, where we all wish we were, knockin’ down that easy money and legislating everything the republicans don’t want…whew…just the thought…

Sc: Yeah, but the SCOTUS might be brought to a rude stop if Alito gets by us, Ted, and you’ll be gnashing your teeth even in your sleep when you find out he and Roberts and Scalia and Thomas have scared the bejabbers out of the other five and…whew…just the thought…that’ll make the Florida vote case small potatoes.

D: Alito’s too smart to be sandbagged…just like Roberts. In fact, you can bet he’s watched every minute of that hearing and memorized all the cases and all Roberts’ remarks and…hey…just exactly how to grin at you, Joe Boy, when he wriggles away and makes you look like eating worms on a Saturday out…

B: Don’t bank on it, Dickie Darlin’. I got me some slick operators in my presidential campaign and they’ve been feeding me loaded questions for the good judge from New Jersey. He won’t know Roe from Wade when I…

S: You haven’t seen anything yet, Joe. I didn’t trip up Roberts and make him tell me how he’d vote on Roe/Wade, but I’ve got a new plan for Alito.

L: You planning on using that old “personal opinion” stuff, Arlen? He’ll throw it right back at you…hell, everybody on the committee has an opinion about abortion. He’ll probably ask you, since you, like us smart democrats, believe in Roe/Wade, if you think you ought to be making laws on personal opinion instead of states’ rights…and then, what’ll you say? If you say “no,” then he’ll say, “Then why should I tell?” If you say “Yes,” then he’ll say…or he’ll just grin like Roberts and say nothing while everyone wonders how you got out of the first grade.

S: That’s a cheap shot, Pat, and I might just remind you that I’m the chairman and that I can get down in the…

K: You mean there’s a gutter in the solemn, august, deliberative, highly respected chambers of the U.S. Senate where the mighty brains of the country’s most important…oh ha, ha…too much, Arlen…too much!

S: You’ll think too much when I get Alito to confess he can’t find a right of abortion in the Constitution…when we all know it’s right there…it’s right there…never mind what Bork said…it’s right there…I’M TELLING YOU IT’S RIGHT THERE…IT’S RIGHT THERE – AARRGGHH!!!!!!

L: Easy, Arlen, easy, old boy…man, you sounded like old Howard doing the DEAN SCREAM. They’ll hear you out on the sidewalk where somebody’s always protesting over something or other and think the lunatic fringe is…

S: Sorry about that, gentlemen…the most trusted, honest, respected, intelligent…

B: Who you talkin’ about there, Arlen old Buddy? It’s just us…and I don’t appreciate you blowin’ out my left eardrum…no sir not one little bit.

Sc: You got a plan, Arlen…let’s hear it. And please don’t say you plan to ask Alito to speak from his heart, like Joe and Dick did in that awful Roberts hearing. Folks in upstate New York are still laughin’ about that, and one constituent told me the other day that it’s a wonder Roberts didn’t vent his spleen…get it…vent his spl…

S: I get it, Chuck. You worry about your state and I’ll worry about Alito’s spleen. Now, the way I look at it is simply that we can let Alito paint himself into a corner by asking him if he sees the civil rights of a fetus in the Constitution. He’ll naturally say “yes” to that, since he’s against abortion, which means a fetus has a civil right not to be murdered in the womb. That’ll give us the comeback that if that’s the case, then a woman has a civil right in the Constitution not to have the fetus, in the first place, or to have it aborted, in the second place. Simple!

B: H-m-m-m. That sounds good, Arlen, but what if Alito answers that a fetus has no rights under the Constitution since he/she/it can’t live outside the womb and therefore can’t vote, since there’s never been a womb with a voting booth in it…at least I never heard of one. What happens then, Arlen?

L: Yeah, Arlen. If he says that the fetus has no rights, then it naturally follows that the fetus-carrier has no rights, and then it naturally follows that…hey, the fetus-carrier could even be guilty of aiding and abetting a crime by having an un-Constitutional fetus on board. The women would kill us if you ask a question like that.

S: H-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-

L: Hey Arlen…ARLENARLEN…AAARRGGHH!!!!!!!

B: Damn…there goes the other eardrum, Leahy, you idiot, and three children outside my door heard you and dialed 911. I’m outta here!

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