Campaign Sermonic Preparation

NOTE: Now that the respective party conventions are over, the campaigns begin in earnest. For the democrats almost exclusively, this means the obligatory Sunday sermons in African-American churches, notwithstanding that the A-A vote is already locked up – at least 95% – for Senator Obama instead of the usual 90% for the democrat in normal times. The following is a sample sermon that might have been delivered in that Miami church by John Kerry in 2004. It wasn't, of course, but it's reprinted here as a tool for aspiring candidates to use in preparing for those Sunday settings.

My brothers and sisters here in the great city of Miami in the great state of Florida, discovered by the great Spaniard Ponce de Leon on that fateful day in 1513 when your great ancestors were living peacefully in Africa before the republicans crammed them into slave ships and condemned them to a life that eventually led them to being wrongly accused of hanging chads in the 2000 election, I bring you greetings from Teresa, who would be here today except that she had to be on a missionary journey to the Cayman Islands banks.

Please give a hand to my favorite people in all the world, sitting right here behind me, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, in last-name alphabetical order, of course. You'll be happy to know that I, acclaimed as the great Boston Uniter, have brought them together. Just this very morning, the Right Reverend Doctor Brother Jackson has promised never to mention the "Tawana Brawley thing" again, and the Righteous Reformed Doctor Brother Sharpton has promised never to intimate publicly again that the Right Reverend Doctor Brother Jackson has a child in at least one city in every state and that the Rainbow Coalition supports them all, although without preference to their respective mother's nationality, creed, color, race, or registration…an admirable trait, I might add…I think…at least that's what I think I thought this morning…or yesterday…or…definitely what I think right now.

Since this great church is a great tax-exempt entity, I come not to bring a campaign speech, which would be against the law, but to preach to you from the very great scripture itself, namely that great portion found in…it's here somewhere…at least that's what McAuliffe researched and Howard Dean screamed…thank you Brother Al…right here in Joshua, the sixth chapter. Just as Joshua led the Israelis in knocking down the walls of Jericho and claiming that city for the Hebrews and democrats, I stand ready to be your leader in a land where greed-driven republicans have replaced the entitlement/affirmative-action markets with the stock market and where they hide behind the walls built by the sweat and tears of your honorable ancestors, the slaves, right on a foundation of capital gains and other corruptions. Yea, brothers and sisters, the Great Uniter will slay the forces of evil corporations and rich folks with the sword of new taxes upon them, and may they be cursed to the land of the non-existent loophole, which I will guarantee, even if Teresa disagrees.

Now, brothers and sisters, I would not have you ignorant about spiritual matters, known today as the economy, the fountain from which all blessings flow. Don't listen to the heathen republicans when they yammer about tax cuts, for they mean that the cuts will go to the rich, not to the great descendents of the slaves. Thank you, great choir, for that loud "amen." I know I'm rich - the only rich guy here besides the Right Reverend Doctor Righteous Reformed Brothers Sharpton and Jackson, alphabetical order by first names - but I feel your pain, just as Bill Clinton, the first black president, often revealed his pain to the suffering, especially those with only two SUVs in the family and second-rate skis. I have a plan that's so perfect that I never discuss its details, lest the opposition steal it and try to use it against me. But trust me…under my great plan, everyone will live above the poverty line, have immediate access to medical care 24/7, have federal coverage of missed credit-card payments, be entitled to cosmetic surgeries and Botox, and even be forgiven their traffic tickets…while - and get this - living off the fat-cats. The Great Uniter has you covered, and you can take that to the bank.

Nor would I have you ignorant regarding world affairs. Even as Joshua voted to invade Jericho, I voted to invade Iraq, the very location of the Garden of Eden that President Bush has desecrated, but which I would not have desecrated, since I would have done what Joshua did - waited seven days upon the Lord. As every respected theologian knows, God today is actually the United Nations. I would have waited seven days, yea seven months, yea seven years, yea seven whatever…until the great and mighty UN, imbued with the power and knowledge of the great French and Germans and Russians gave me permission, just as the Lord gave Joshua permission when the time was right.

That's why I voted against funding the war after I voted for waging it. People thought I flip-flopped, but I was deep into the scripture and was told by God's representatives on earth, Kofi Annan and Jacques Chirac of the almighty UN, that the time was not right. Trust me, brothers and sisters, Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell do not have a phone line to God, but God's appointed have instructed me. Just as Joshua's two spies were delivered from the Jericho police by Rahab the harlot and reported to Joshua that Jericho could be taken, I would have waited for Annan and Chirac, who have spied out the Iraqi oilfields and are therefore God's appointed spies supported and delivered by the harlot Saddam, to give me the word that Saddam was safe and Iraq was ready for the taking. The president has gone against the will of God, proven by the fact that Saddam is in jail instead of free in some land of milk and honey, and the walls of Iraq…make that the sands of Iraq…still belong to the Muslims. If some fundamentalist insists that Annan is the anti-Christ and Chirac is the False Prophet, don't you believe it. It may be that those two are right there in Washington now…yea, brothers and sisters, I may be…make that I am…the last great hope. Do I hear an amen? Thank you, great Jesse.

Right here at home in what we call the arena of domestic affairs, I stand tall - I'm 6'4'', too, as you may have noticed - as a fighter for everyone's rights. In my great state of Massachusetts, recognized as a veritable bastion of wisdom, a great judge ordered it lawful for men to marry each other and make themselves happy, with all the benefits married folks get, yet without the bother of having to put up with babies that cry half the night and puke on your best coat. The president has called for a Constitutional Amendment that would prevent that very God-given right, never mind that stuff in the Bible about weird behavior in Sodom and Gomorrah and San Francisco. You can't mix happiness and politics with the Bible. The Bible is for straight folks, but happiness and politics are for anyone who can figure the best angle. So, I'm against that amendment…I think…at least I was day before yesterday…or did I change my mind last night…or was it at lunch yester…what's that, Al…oh, right, you have to make up your own mind about it, folks. I come from the generation that claimed anything was all right if it felt good. The great Pope has just about thrown me out of my great church, but I've written him that I don't believe abortion is a good idea even if it oughtta be legal. I haven't heard back yet, and I figure that's a good sign.

I see that my time is gone. Some folks say that I lie, but I haven't lied this morning, and I won't do it again. Blessings on you all…make that y'all.