The International Three Stooges


It is at a late-evening dinner that French President Jacques Chirac, German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder, and UN Secretary General Kofi Annan [hereinafter referred to as C, S, and A] are discussing the affairs of the world in Annan’s private dining room.

C: This wine is excellent, Kofi, where do you find wine of this vintage? Surely, it came from France since, of course, you haven’t been listening to that Fox News idiot O’Reilly, with his boycott everything French nonsense. Some restaurants in this country have even renamed french fries false fries just to annoy us, notwithstanding that the French form the epitome of culture in this world.

S: Not so fast there, Jacques…don’t forget where Bach and Beethoven and Wagner and Goethe and Luther and…

C: Sorry, old man. Of course, the Germans are an integral part of what that U.S. cowboy president’s hatchet man Rumsfeld called “Old Europe,” the very seat of Western Civilization…ah, such coarseness…no wonder the Americans are hated by the world for their insensitivity to all that’s right and good and…

A: Don’t forget, gentlemen, and with all due respect, that it is now known – at least by a handful of scholars, mostly in black-studies departments in American universities – that civilization actually began in Africa and simply migrated northward where it was found to be cooler and the mosquitoes actually smaller than a man’s hand. Why do you think I wanted this job?

S: Of course, Kofi…we know that, but you have to admit that some people – mostly of the Judeo-Christian persuasion – claim that the first people lived right in what’s now Baghdad, and so…

C: And…so what! That only proves that the Americans, especially the ones who claim to be born again, are morons, with no understanding of anything but how to win wars…and your mention of Baghdad…

A: But don’t both of you head countries that are almost entirely Catholic, and aren’t Catholics considered Christians, and so don’t you believe…

S: Bah! Religion obviously has no place in the matter of Baghdad, the beheading capital of the world since Napoleon’s time, no matter what we believe…so, what can we do about it? Those damnable elections went off last month just like they did in Afghanistan, even after we sent the word through all the media – especially the American media – to the whole Middle East that not half a million would show up to dodge the car bombs and AK-47s. Eight-and-a-half million voters! Mein goodness, there’s only 25 million people in the entire country…just think how many more would have voted if that butcher Saddam hadn’t already killed hundreds of thousands of the poor souls.

C: Mais oui, m’sieu! Pardon the lapse into French s’il vous plait, but it’s just so, so sophisticated. My people are up in arms, but they didn’t do half enough protesting when that cowboy visited me at home the other day. With the Iraqi oil pipeline closed to us by that damn war and gasoline prices now out the top, one would think they would have at least thrown rotten eggs at his limousine, but non…they, of course, were too cultured for that…they just burned U.S. flags and ran naked and yelled dirty words, which he couldn’t even understand, the buffoon…every intelligent person can speak French.

S: Or German, Jacques…remember! That moron Bush winked at one of my press people, like he did at that Supreme Court Justice during his state-of-the-union address when he castigated judges who legislate from the bench. A man of culture would never wink at another man…a fraulein maybe…but never another man…well, maybe at a certain kind of other man…

A: Careful there, mon ami, if you also pardon my French. The United Nations does not countenance discrimination against any kind of other people…if you get my meaning, oui?

S: I get your meaning, Kofi…what is the situation with your son Koko and the kickback scheme?

A: Kickback scheme? What kickback scheme? Ah, you mean the thing the American Volcker is examining. It will come to nothing. Koko did not take kickbacks from Saddam, and he definitely will not do it again.

C: And now we’re in the strange position of haggling with the Irani idiot imams or ayatollahs or mullahs or whatever they are about stopping their nuclear thing while Putin is grabbing the market for Russia and selling them no telling what. We sold that nuclear thing to Saddam 25 years ago, and the Israelis took it out in one afternoon. Voila! One afternoon! It was a good thing, of course, but he hadn’t paid for the damn thing. And now that moron running Syria has wasted the former prime minister of Lebanon and the cowboy Bush has been screaming for the Syrians to get out of Lebanon…even scared them into giving up Saddam’s half-brother…voila, voila, VOILA! There goes another good customer for French wines…even croissants!

S: Not to mention the most excellent beer and bratwurst in all the world. You mean Syria may give in to that fear-monger O’Reilly? Achtung…that’s better than uncivilized cursing! They love our Mercedes in Syria, not that any but the fat cats can afford them. Now, they’ll go to Cadillacs and…heaven forbid…those Japanese cars…AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

C: Careful there, Gerhard, old ami. You almost committed a Dean Scream, the most feared sound in all America…well…at least in the Democrat Party. I’ve heard that John Kerry’s mole in the Republican Party is lobbying the president to have Dean appointed ambassador to Tuvalu.

A: Tuvalu? What’s with this Tuvalu?

C: Bon ciel, Kofi! Were you, the secretary general, absent in 2000 when Tuvalu joined the United Nations? (laughter)

A: Of course not…I was just…what the Americans say…funning you…messing with your mind…you know, like trash talking in the football games…ha, ha, ha. But why does Kerry want Dean on Tuvalu…wherever it is?

S: Yes, Jacques…I seem to remember that Tuvalu is where mein mother-in-law once told me to go…what is the big deal about Tuvalu?

C: Ah…it is the superior French intelligence at work again here. Tuvalu is located in the Southwest Pacific, where tsunamis are routine, and…get this…its highest point is only 15 feet above sea level.

S: I get it, Jacques, ich bein intelligencer, too. (laughter) Tuvalu, and as the Americans say…toodle-loo forever…or something like that when the big wave hits! Toodle-loo on Tuvalu! Ach! (more laughter) Most of the people on Tuvalu are Congregationalists and Dean has left the Episcopalians for that persuasion, so maybe Kerry might get his wish. But what can we do about these Americans?

C: Another four years! Tres mal. Voila! I thought a real Frenchman, John Kerry, a man of culture and medals and scourge of Cambodia at Christmas in 1968, would be in office now, and would send Madame Albright back as Secretary of State…my staff called her half-bright…ha, ha…but who should show up…that awful Rice woman. She ordered grits for breakfast and my favorite chef fainted and we all snickered. Then, she sat at my Grand Piano and played Debussey’s Claire de Lune gorgeously and my wife hasn’t spoken to me since. Tres mal!