Big Ted and the Three Bs


It is late on Sunday, Jan. 30, and a conference call has been set up among Senators Kennedy, Byrd, Biden, Boxer, and Kerry.

Kerry: (laughing) One of those talk-show idiots has been referring to you guys as Big Ted and the Three B's and laughing about you being the only rock-and-roll group with no ideas, no lyrics, no instruments, no writhing ability, and therefore no talent.

Byrd: Not funny, John…not funny at all. I bow a mean fiddle, as anyone in West Virginia can tell you, and my speeches on the floor of the hallowed halls of the…

Biden: At least we aren't described as "French hunks," like you, John.

Boxer: I'm not in either of these categories, big boys, but I pack a punch…you saw what I did to Condi Rice in that big hearing, didn't you?

Kennedy: Calling her a liar wasn't exactly the smartest thing you could've done, Barb. I've heard from a lot of gals over at NOW that you were just looking for a catfight with Rice, and that you're the one that got clawed…made all the women look bad, like a bunch of pushy broads pulling each other's hair…only Rice didn't rise to the bait, so you administered the hook to your own loud mouth and made all us democrats look…

Boxer: O yeah! O yeah! Well, how about that? Maybe you'd rather not be reminded about your comments in that other hearing to Gonzales about, of all things, WATER TORTURE, and how prisoners could be maybe drowned that way. People are still laughing.

Byrd: Don't scream like that, Barbara…you have any idea what that does to my ears when it blasts through a telephone? Two kids walking by my door just now heard you and started yelling for their mommies. Good grief, you sound like Howard Dean.

Kerry: Speaking of which…or of whom, I guess I should say. What do we plan to do about that guy? He couldn't steal the nomination, so now he's trying to steal the whole damn party and he's traveling all over the place to stir up support…all those college loonies…he was even in Kentucky the other day…

Biden: Kentucky! Why would he go to Kentucky? Do they wear shoes there yet? They got two republican senators and one of them used to be a baseball pitcher…sheesh!

Byrd: Watch it, Senator. My state is right next-door to Kentucky and I resent you egomaniacs from the coast…

Biden: Sticks and stones…

Byrd: Where'd you steal that line, Joe…maybe from that same Irishman you plagiarized back in '88 or '87 when you decided to become head of the holler but were too tight to hire a good speechwriter?

Byrd: Naw, Bobby, I took it from a Ku Klux Klan songbook that was popular when you ran part of that outfit back in the 40s…you DO remember, don't you?

Boxer: Okay, that's enough, you guys. We can all throw dirt here. We've been in this town long enough to know where all the bodies are buried. We got two problems…the Iraqis got out and voted, the dummies. They could've got their heads blown off for that. Number two is the DNC chairmanship, and I don't see anything wrong with Howard Dean.

Kennedy: Yeah, Dean's okay. He was against the war, after all, and he balanced his state's budget, and…

Kerry: Are you listening, Ted? The Iraqis got out…maybe 60 or even 70 percent of the idiots…got out and voted. That puts a new face on the war…makes it look like all our dead guys died for something, after all. It took me back to that Christmas I spent in Cambodia when…

Kennedy: John, do you remember being on Tim Russert's clambake this morning? He went through all that stuff that proved you were nowhere near Cambodia then. He even brought up the fact that you didn't even know the president then was Johnson instead of Nixon…sheesh.

Kerry: Well, if you were watching, you'll remember that I told Russert I was close to Cambodia then. And I also voted against this miserable Iraq war.

Kennedy: Everybody in Vietnam was close to Cambodia, John. Did you ever look at a map? And you voted against funding the damn thing, John, after you voted for it, so what's…

Byrd: My fellow American senators, as I stand here before you…

Boxer: You're on the phone, Bobby, not on the floor of the Senate. It's bad enough to have to listen to your long-winded bull there, but stow it…you're on the phone…remember?

Byrd: Okay, I'm on the phone…I know it…I just sorta dozed and then when…

Kennedy: Remember, we gotta keep hammering away at the fact that there were no WMDs in Iraq and that the president lied and…

Biden: That's the last thing we need to do. This vote'll jack up Dubya's ratings to 60 percent, and everybody knows the president didn't lie, anyway. What we need to do is deep-six Dean, not that anybody knows what he actually says. He talks faster than he thinks and doesn't even bother to finish any word that has more than two syllables. He just sorta swallows it and goes on toward that magnificent scream he's developed…gets those college kids all…

Kennedy: He's a doctor. I wonder if he can be drafted and sent to Iraq. That would solve…who do we know in the Pentagon that could…

Kerry: Surely you jest, my fellow Massachusettsan. The last time I called the Pentagon, some corporal operating the switchboard told me to…wait, I can't say what in mixed company…but it wasn't nice. I outranked that corporal by a long shot when I was in Cambodia that Christmas and if I ever find out who he was, I'll…