Bashar, Mahmoud, and Hassan

It is midnight in the palace of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in Damascus, where he is meeting with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Lebanese Hezbollah head honcho Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, hereinafter referenced as B, M, and H.

~B: Allah be praised and Alawites be especially blessed…it is good of you to come and smoke the common hookah in a parley for providing peace to our countries, death to the Americans, and…
~M: Hold on there, Bashar…Allah be discomfited…what is this stuff about Alawites being blessed? Are they not part of the glorious Shia?
~B: A thousand apologies, Mahmoud, but don’t be upset over a little thing like sectarian disagreement. After all, we get much of our money from the Wahhabi Muslim gang run by the Saudis…
~H: (waving AK-47) Allah be glorified with Israeli blood…indeed we do get our money from those keepers of the faith and builders of schools to teach the killing of the infidel…even in California where the madrassas operate right under the noses of…
~B: Alright…no more words of separation…Allah be disappointed in us, his purified…Muslims have shed enough of each other’s blood through all the ages since Imam Ali…
~M: Imam Ali! a-a-A-A-r-r-R-R-g-g-G-G-h-h-H-H!!!!!!
~B: Okay, okay, Mahmoud. Settle down. ALLAH BE WORSHIPED AND IMAM ALI ONLY PRAISED! Is it impermissible even to mention the Alamite patron saint?
~M: Patron saint? You’ve apparently been unduly mesmerized by the American Catholic Nancy Pelosi, whom you ingratiated yourself to just last week…for shame…and Allah discipline you accordingly!
~B: I did no such thing and a ton of camel dung on your favorite teapot for even thinking such a thing.
~M: Admit it, Bashar, you stared at her legs in that TV clip on al-Jazeera. Why didn’t you insist that she wear a burka…Allah’s innocent eyes be blinded to such perfidy…in order to speak with a Muslim man?
~H: Why did you even allow her in your country, Bashar?
~B: Hold your tongue, Hassan…Allah and the Imam Ali both curse you…especially since I funneled all the weapons Mahmoud gave you right into your country last year so you could bomb the Israelis into their hell! Put away your damned AK-47 and take a deep puff on your hookah before I…
~M: Brothers, let’s have no more of this fighting. Let’s save our fighting for the infidel Israelis and Americans…Allah curse them into the deepest pits of hell! Still, Bashar, why did you welcome that woman into your country, especially since she had just visited with the hated Israelis and bragged that she had a message from them for you? (gasps) She even wore pants!
~B: Allah be praised for giving brains to at least one of us! Don’t you know the American government well enough to understand that if anything happened to both Bush and Cheney the woman Pelosi – speaker of the House – would become president? And she’s for making peace with everybody over here, no matter what it costs the U.S. of A.
~M: Ah…I see what you mean. So…you talked to her about…
~B: What we talked about is confidential, but if she were to get to the top spot she would be putty in our hands. So…why do you think I invited you here…certainly not to suck on hookahs and insult Imam Ali? And you, Hassan, what do you have to show for your war with Israel last year…have you even found your cities, much less rebuilt them?
~H: (sputtering) The victory was great, indeed…all thanks to Allah. Our bombs knocked out Israeli power sometimes for as long as 45 minutes. For every Israeli killed we lost only ten Muslims. It has been a glorious victory.
~M: Bah! Enough of these recriminations…Allah be merciful to idiots! What are you suggesting, Bashar…surely not that…ah…well…maybe…the CIA is asleep and the democrats might even be happy…might even help… ~B: Right…Allah bless us with the best be-headers…or at least those with the mindset of the be-header. You’ve guessed it. Now, can you contact Osama and ask for another al-Zarqawi? Allah be saddened by his death in that house of the rising crescent…such a disgrace!
~H: Do you mean Zarqawi was in one of those…never mind…I’ve heard that they sometimes just wear only a chador…what an awful thing to be shot in one of those places…does that mean he didn’t go to the virgins, after all…
~M: Get your mind out of the camel stall, Hassan. The trouble is that Osama hates everybody, including us and even the Wahhabis…he’s always got a contract out on even the Wahhabis…never mind the Saudis and all their gold. He won’t talk to us, although…
~B: Okay, then. Osama won’t find us a hit-man, but there may be a way to get rid of both Bush and Cheney with no bloodshed at all so the woman Pelosi can walk right in to the…what do they call it…the round office? I’ll get in touch with that American news-genius Dan Rather. He hates both Bushes. The first one humiliated him on his own news program in 1988. He tried to get even by causing the defeat of the second Bush by uncovering that Air Guard document about duty or something but nobody believed him. I’ve heard that he can find proof of most anything that’s never happened, so…Allah be implored…I will wager the Golan Heights – which you didn’t get back for us, Hassan – that Rather can find enough dirt on both Bush and Cheney to force them to resign.
~M: Brilliant, Bashar, absolutely brilliant! I understand that Cheney has already shot one man, so he may actually be a criminal anyway. And just remember the strange things President Clinton did right in that round office and on the telephone and in other strange places…Allah forget I even mentioned this, but he was actually impeached for lying, too. Bush has probably done some of the same stuff, and the genius Rather will find it out. Let us hear from you, Bashar, when you’ve “got the goods,” as they say in those American law-and-order TV shows with all those pretty girl-lawyers screaming at the all the men and the juries and the judges.
~H: What do you have in the basin of this water-pipe, Bashar? My hookah pipe is stopped up with some strange gunk, and nothing tastes like tobacco.
~B: It’s that wife of mine again. She’s a Sunni born in England and she sometimes fills the basin with fig and date leaves instead of tobacco…especially when she’s mad at me…Allah be merciful at those times. She hasn’t spoken to me since the woman Pelosi smiled at me in public…and now this. Humble apologies all around!