Biden Stump-Speech

The following is an imagined stump speech by Vice President Biden before the NAACP in – let’s say – Danville, Virginia, though it could be anywhere. [teleprompter notes included but not often noticed, same as the teleprompter]

Brothers and sisters, it’s great to be back here in North Carolina, where the Panthers are the best baseball team in the U.S. of A., maybe even the world. What I have to say is not fluffernutter, the famous word I used in 2008 to describe every speech by John Edwards, whether it’s in the dictionary or not. I’m everything he would not have been as vice president if Kerry had been elected in 2004, except filthy rich, of course, not that riches are filthy, unless they’re Mitt Romney’s riches…can I get an amen to that? (wait for foot-stomping and cheers)

I’m sure you know I speak with great authority but I’ll just remind you that I stared down Alberto Gonzales, Bush’s attorney general for those who are Yale graduates, (pause for boos) in that famous Senate hearing and said – verbatim – “I’ll be watching you, buddy.” (if no clapping, change Yale to Duke)

You may remember that I was the Judiciary Committee chairman that grilled Uncle Thomas Clarence unmercifully in his nomination hearing and then voted against his appointment to the Supremes (self-deprecating laughter), not the musical group (pause for more laughter and roll eyes) but that bipolar bunch in robes, except for the ladies, o’ course, and maybe Breyer…or is it Rehnquist…or…where the hell’s that…oh, there it is…hahahaha…got off the teleprompter there for a sec.

Yesiree, as we say in Dover, I was actually voting for Anita Hill that day and all women that’ve been stood-up by some stud and we democrats had the majority but the race card caught us…though I haven’t figured out how since they were both…but I digress…back to the big “T.”

Just let me explain what I meant in 2008 when I said the presidency was not an on-the-job-training program for less-than-one-term senators. (look wise and soulful) President Obama was better prepared than even George Washington, who was the wisest democrat ever. I meant my remarks for that idiot from Alaska, Mike Gravel, with his stance on homosexuality being accepted in the military and…uh…well, strike that…I mean…

A lot’s been said about the president’s evolving on the marriage question from “not good” to…well, “not bad…or “not so bad,” or what’s the big #@%$&*# deal in the first place? (put on your diversity look – big smile – lots of teeth). Two guys wanna get married…look, they’re probably already…you know…sheesh, where’s that #%$&^* teleprompter? Remember when Big Ted went after that Bush nominee for surgeon general – guy named Holsinger? This doctor had written a paper on the dangers of rectal intercourse and still expected to be surgeon general. Big Ted, the most famous democrat ever to drown a car, didn’t even let the nomination get out of committee. That’s what the party and the president stand for – diversity and never mind that silly law Bill Clinton signed, the Defense of Marriage Act. Barack has said it’s unconstitutional and he knows ’cause he’s a constitutional scholar. Just ask ’im yourself.

And about that five-letter-word “chains” I mentioned a few days ago. (don’t stop here, no matter how loud the boos) I didn’t mean any reference to you-know-what in the you-know-where with the you-know-who in the you-know-when. Sheesh…who did this teleprompter? I may have to try that again. Anyway, the chains I meant were the ones on the front-porch swing, where Romney brags that everyone will take it easy, pay less taxes and have it good when he’s elected. Instead of chains, I should’ve said something about soup lines…that’s where y’all will be. (pause for o-o-h-ing and a-a-h-ing) This administration’s kept the unemployment rate down to somewhere around a measly 8.5 percent and the unemployment/welfare rate ’way up, just like Barack promised it would be. So…just like that old Gershwin song had it, “What could ask for anything more?” Hey, you folk got it chicken-lickin’ good.

Now let me explain what the president meant when he said in that speech of superb eloquence that entrepreneurs couldn’t hack it without the government. (pause while people wake up) He didn’t mean they weren’t smart or didn’t work hard enough…he just meant that…that…where’s that #%$@^*# teleprompter again…he just meant…oh well, that’s no #%$^&#&# big deal anyway. Everybody knows that the entitlement crowd’s figured out the best deal in town…just sign the papers and let the good times roll. Y’all got Barack to thank for that, so truck on down to the ballot box and show your appreciation. In the meantime, don’t let any o’ those strange folks in the Convenient stores – you can tell by that Indian accent – rob ya blind on the food stamps.

Back in 2007…or 2008…somewhere in there in that diner, I made it plain that Barack was articulate, clean, bright, nice looking and a storybook. In other words, brothers and sisters, I made him what he is and I’m proud o’ that. It’s like when FDR went on TV in thirty-nine and said Churchill was a great man, and look who won the war to end all wars…or at least some war…what happened to that #@&%^$* teleprompter again?

Finally, to let you know my heart’s in the right place, I’ll just mention that Dr. Jill and I gave seven dollars a week to charity from 1998 to 2007. It was right there on the tax returns we released – seven whole dollars in that three-letter word week for ten years. What I’m sayin’ is that you folk can throw in more than just change to the campaign and I’ll close by sayin’ God love y’all…even if ya can’t stand.