Baseball Criminality Exposed!

The glorious protection provided by the government these days was evidenced graphically the other night when some good citizens in Ohio carried out the communist mantra – TATTLE – with regard to a social and criminal evil practiced by the Cincinnati Reds as they celebrated a victory that made them champions of the Central Division of the National League. The players were spotted (oh, Green-peace, say it isn’t so) actually lighting VICTORY-CIGARS in their clubhouse.

Plainly, this was against Ohio state law patently and totally forbidding lighting up anywhere in a closed space, even if nobody in the space cares or objects. And – HORRORS – some of the smoke might have mingled with the diesel exhaust of the river tugs just outside the outfield and asphyxiated a gnat flying in the glare of the field’s floodlights.

After all, the champagne bottles had already been opened and the bubbly was being both consumed and sprayed all over the closed space…but so what! In Ohio, that’s perfectly okay unless, of course, one of the players decided to drive the clubhouse home and was picked up for drunk locker-room-driving. The Reds pooh-bahs were contacted by the powers-that-be and admonished for behavior that not only was dangerous to the atmosphere of the locker-room but was also simply unlawful, an even worse circumstance.

Without question, Al Gore has been contacted about this (unless he’s been too busy with his latest masseuse) since all that hot cigar-smoke could have provided the proverbial “tipping-point” that will damn the nation into hellish temperatures making the House’s approval of cap-and-trade too late for the learning…or spurning…or whatever. The evil Senate has not acted on the legislation, which no one but the lobbyists have read anyway, but it’s a sure bet that cigar-smoke is covered. This matter could very well go to the United Nations in solemn assembly, thus putting Reds manager Dusty Baker in danger of a trial at Nuremberg for crimes against humanity. Cigar-smoke is known to cover whole populations.

Actually, Baker might be guilty of other crimes, such as overuse of wood account his penchant for chewing on toothpicks throughout an entire game. There’s no telling how many of these miniature logs he goes through, but it could be disastrous since deforestation is said to be killing the planet. His players are at risk, too, with respect to the courts since they constantly chew sunflower seeds or dip snuff during games and consequently spit all over the place, thus spewing everything from possible flu germs to tobacco nicotine into the air and onto the ground, where an unsuspecting fan or groundskeeper, respectively, could become infected/addicted and…who knows…premeditated death by baseball! Just think of the civil lawsuits against whole teams residing, of course, in the Big House.

Baseball players do other bad things…like blowing bubble-gum bubbles during the game. Washington Nationals homerun hitter Adam Dunn blows these germ-ridden bubbles throughout his entire trip around the bases after knocking one over the fence. Every time he emits the saliva and phlegm associated with launching and recapturing a bubble, literally billions of potentially deadly H1N1 viruses that thrive on gum-sugar could attack a whole stadium. Imagine a swine-flu epidemic occasioned by Dunn and all the other players who blow bubbles and/or spit upon the air-waves and terra firma. It’s enough to send one to the ER just thinking about it.

The greatest surprise is that Ohio lawmakers have been remiss in requiring a safer habitat for spectators at baseball games. Whether by law or common sense, racetrack honchos have put up fences to protect spectators from race-cars that occasionally take to the air, usually after one driver has “tipped” the back fender of another driver’s car and sent it off the course, the better to win through elimination of the competition.

Strangely, there have been no laws either disallowing the hitting of a line-drive foul ball or requiring that fences be built reaching the height unto the 75th tier of the stands, thus protecting onlookers from traumatic shock and awe, often accompanied by hospital stays after taking one in the anatomy. It’s a wonder that premier ambulance-chaser John Edwards of the $400-haircut has not homed in on this, but it’s only a matter of time.

Back in the day of 154 games and no playoffs (thankfully), the World Series ended in the first week of October but now the playoffs haven’t even begun. The Series was demanding enough then, but the added pressure of interminable playoff games and the threat of snow for the Series will drive the baseball players into such stress that the increase of spitting, blowing bubbles, chewing toothpicks, launching sunflower seed-pods and errant foul balls at unwary fans will be virtually intolerable – just like Gore’s melting icebergs – and will put tens of thousands of spectators at risk. Lawmakers have not done enough.

Sadly, though, if the Reds should win it all they will be under the strictest scrutiny of the nicotine police and will not be able to celebrate adequately…by lighting up! In Ohio, the law is the law.