Friends of Barry

It's about 2:00 a.m. in Chicago in the basement/den of William Ayers, infamous Weather Underground domestic terrorist of the 1960s and launcher of Barack Obama's legislative career. Present are Ayers, Father Michael Pfleger, the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, the Rev. Dr. Imam Louis Farrakhan, and Michelle Obama, hereinafter referenced as A, P,W,F, and O, respectively.

~A: Okay…so we all know why we're here. We're known as the "friends of Barry" and some folks are trying to make him look bad because he's our…our…
~F: Go ahead and say it, Bill…he's our patsy this time around…useta be Jesse…but he's old stuff now, especially in this values kick the Baptists and Pentecostals are on…him with that mistress and no tellin' how many others of 'em here and there…
~O: Not funny Minister Farrakhan…this is a mean country, like I said in North…or was it South Carolina. I don't remember…all Crackers look the same anyway.
~P: This mean country drove Jesse to find a "comfort woman," like the Japanese did in World War II with all those Korean women…Korea was a MEAN place, just like China and all those islands out there…MEAN people…just like here! I read about it in seminary.
~W: Tell it, brother…amen!…you're right…hallelujah…(voice rising)…God don't bless no America…No…NO…NO!…NO!!!!…God DAMN
~P: Calm down, Jeremiah, this is a quiet neighborhood…(giggles)…unless Bill here misfires while making a bomb to blow up the Pentagon or some other ghastly government facility and sends us all to…
~A: Not funny, Father, not funny. Those stupid comrades that blew themselves up in Greenwich Village back then were high on something or other…maybe LSD…that O'Leary kook hooked a lot of them. If all of us had stayed off the stuff in '68, we'd have blown that Demo convention clear across Lake Michigan…made it a part of Canada, where socialism proves its superiority. Anyhow, we're here to try to undo whatever damage we might have caused Barry because we befriended him…Michelle here even married him.
~F: Okay…I take it back, Michelle. I'm just bitter sometimes…that Calypso Louie thing. Barry's not our patsy. In fact, some smart-aleck republicans are claiming that we – except you, Michelle – have been HIS patsies all along, that he's used us to get out voters, wangle money from anywhere and everywhere, legally or illegally and…Jeremiah, I even sent a note to our good buddy, Muammar…remember that wild time we had in Libya with him…whew…those houri-dancers…different world 25 years ago!
~O: U-u-m-m-m…this IS a MEAN country, Minister Farrakhan, even if I said I wasn't proud of it until…you do play a mean fiddle, though, so that may actually be a compliment. And all those bodyguards you have point right to your importance, not to mention that award by Jeremiah last December.
~P: It's that Palin woman! She's been harping everywhere about Bill and that bunch of anti-Vietnam idiots he headed…what were they thinking when they shot those guys and robbed that Brinks…
~A: (jumping up): Take that back, Father. We were not idiots…we were the only sane people in the whole country…Jane Fonda said so…and so did John Kerry, and he even threw his medals or something or other right over that fence…and talked about our GIs scalping ears and killing 200,000 poor souls a year…said it right to that Congressional committee.
~P: Okay, Bill, put down that poker before you hurt somebody. I didn't mean idiots – a Freudian slip – I meant patriots, of course. But that Palin woman…man, when she winks giving those speeches…whew…
~W: Watch it there, Father Mike. You're not s'posed to be influenced by those obvious sin-devices. You're s'posed to be thinkin' o' reasons she shoulda had for aborting that Downs Syndrome kid o' hers.
~P: Good grief, Jeremiah! You're as hypocritical as that witch Hillary that I crucified right in your own church…talk about the Salem gang that hung witches back in Massachusetts…(giggles)…hey…tell us about the houri-dancers you and old hypocrite Louie here watched with Qaddafi back in…
~A: Stuff it, Mike. Notice I didn't say Father Mike this time – another Freudian slip – I forgot while ago that an atheist never uses religious titles, even for people in his own family, much less tinhorn preachers…
~W: You lookin' at me, Ayers…or even at Father Mike here? Tinhorn preachers! We preachers practically own this whole end o' Chicago, and we get out the vote. We put out the word and the people clap and holler and jump up and down and scream "We ain't takin' it no more…we gonna throw the HIV…WE GONNA PUT IT RIGHT BACK ON WHITEY AND…
~O: Stop it, all of you! I hear children crying next door, what with all this screaming. You're proving what a MEAN country this is…all that yelling at each other. I'm beginning not to be proud…
~F: (humming Shall We Gather at the River)
~A: What's that supposed to mean?
~F: That means we help Barry the most by making sure all the folks – especially the few million dead ones…this is Chicago, after all…ha, ha, ha – get out and vote…(sings) Where bright angel feet have trod…oh…oh…With its crystal…
~P: tide forever…and then along came Barack and Hillary screamed "I'm entitled"…
~A: I mean…what can we…shut up, Mike…that old sermon in Jeremiah's church has been played enough on YouTube, with you doing a bump-and-grind in accompaniment, and I'm sick of it. What can we do publicly to help Barry?
~O: May I suggest – except for me, of course – a mutual disappearing act…complete silence…maybe a religious pilgrimage – except for you, Bill – to Tripoli to seek out spiritual encouragement and a few mil shekels. Bill, you could just head on down to Venezuela and help your old buddy Chavez…or maybe go over and comfort Fidel…maybe show him how to make the latest plastic under-the-dashboard bomb for bureaucrats who don't rate chauffeurs…use your specialty, in other words.
~A: Oh well…just kick back then, everybody…that's a great idea, Michelle…it's refreshment time and I'll just go get the Kool-Aid and cookies. (exits)
~W: Did he say KOOL-AID?
~O, P, W, F: I'm outta here!!!!!
~A (returning): Ingrates! Now where did I put that long fuse…the one for Camp David…