It is late at night in a cave just east of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Osama bin laden and his second-in- command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, are meeting with Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah, head of Hezbollah. They are hereinafter referred to as O, A, and N, respectively.
~O: You know, Ayman, I still think we could safely hide in Kabul…after all, there are a million-and-a-half people there for us to blend with and surely…well, look at this…my prayer rug stays wet constantly and actually I can't face east in the daytime to pray in this forsaken hole in the ground because I can't see the sun and this damned Russian compass points only to Lenin's tomb…praise Allah…and not true north or anywhere else…it's been this way since…
~A: We’re all suffering, Osama, the television won’t pick up those awful American Reality shows anymore, with all those girls running around without burkas…may Allah curse the American satellites…and not getting good goat meat…AARRGGHH…those poppy-growers get the best and the Taliban is so slow climbing these accursed mountains that…well, rotten mutton is…
~O: Mutton is sheep, Ayman, not goat. That idiot Zarqawi promised us everything from fresh figs to CDs of the Dixie Chicks, but here we sit with nothing to do but wait on those planes over the Atlantic to…and Zarqawi…Allah admonish him…went and got himself killed, and we’re left with old Elvis Presley stuff.
~N: I thought western music has been declared decadent and…girls without burkas…(gasp)
~O: Of course it has, Sheikh Nasrallah, but the decadence only occurs to the weak whose minds…Allah pity them… are not strong enough to conceive of western art as fit for the study of what is not acceptable to Allah…may Mohammed be glorified for an ordered harem.
~A: Hear, hear, to that, Osama! Speaking of which, I have not been to see my wives for a long time now, so I wonder if…
~O: A-h-h, Ayman…the sacrifice is great…no goat…no figs…no running water, except in that accursed spring a mile from here…no beheadings since Zaqarwi lost his…Allah make his virgins slap him daily in Paradise…but when I think about those planes falling into the Atlantic…
~N: Do you not watch Fox News here in this cave?
~A: Of course not, Hassan, they spew out the lies of the cowboy Bush. We watch QVC, the wrestling on ESPN, the Funniest Home Videos…ha, ha, ha, Jay Leno, and al Jazeera…Allah be thanked for that fountain of wisdom!
~N: You mean al Jazeera has not mentioned the planes and the Atlantic? You haven’t heard about the big bust in London?
~O: What is this stuff about a big bust? That sounds decadent, Hassan, with all due respect to your studies in Qum with the mighty Khomeinis. Do you mean the decadent Dolly Partin has been in London…Allah be mortified!
~N: Who is Dolly Partin?
~O: Who is Dolly Partin…get that, Ayman…(peals of laughter)…who is Dolly Partin? Have you been under your prayer rug for your whole life, Hassan? Ayman…hoo…hah…can you imagine a burka for Dolly Partin? Never mind, Hassan…tell us about London. We haven’t been able to get al Jazeera since the American Special Ops gang tore down our antenna last week.
~N: Our valiant homicide/suicide bombers have been caught in London…just before they were to bring great glory to the universal jihad by killing at least 3,000 more – mostly Americans – by bravely blowing up ten or eleven planes…
A: But we planned that event for four long years, Hassan…it was thought foolproof…Allah be shamed…we have already fermented ten kegs of cactus blooms to celebrate…AARRGGHH…
O: Stop that, Ayman! Ever since you saw the decadent American Howard Dean on TV you have been screaming at the least little thing. That can’t be, Hassan…Allah be gravely disappointed! We recruited those idiots – ah…patriots, that is – right where they were born. We offered the usual $25,000 to survivors. We furnished the materials. We trained them right there in Iran.
~A: Iran! I knew we couldn’t trust Ahmadinejad! I tried to tell you he was not trustworthy, Osama, ever since he spoke of having a vision in that speech at the UN. A vision…Allah be embarrassed! And there was that pathetic interview with the decadent American Mike Wallace, who asked Ahmadinejad if he was vain and told him how nice he looked. AARRGGHH! A simple thing like filling a bottle with explosives and just injecting the wires and…
~O: Bah! That bumbler Ahmadinejad! Anyway, I insisted that instead of bottles they ought to fill the babies – girls, of course – with the liquid and everything would be simpler…just touch the wires to their toes and…POOF…Mohammed be immortalized in the Atlantic! Oh…what a letdown…where is that cactus wine?
~N: But I have the great news of the great victory of my Allah-blessed Hezbollah over the Israelis in my beloved South Lebanon. We are the first to beat the occupiers in all of modern history.
~O: A-h-h. Tell us, Hassan…we have been unable to get that news, too…Allah be implored for a new antenna as soon as it’s safe to look out. How much of Israel have you taken back? How many thousands have you put to the sword? I am reminded of your bold statement made in that recent speech, “Islam is a religion designed for a society that can revolt and build a state.”
~N: We haven’t exactly taken back any territory…yet…but Allah be praised for simply holding our own.
~A: But, give us the glorious death-count, then, Hassan…Allah be gloriously reddened! How large was your victory in warm bodies?
~N: The victory was great, indeed…all thanks to Allah. For every Israeli killed we lost only ten Muslims. It has been a glorious victory.
~O: And how much of Israel have you destroyed? I’m assuming the Israelis could not touch Hezbollah territory, even with their planes.
~N: We sent four thousands of rockets into Israel – over 200 on the last day of fighting. We laid waste their territory. We burned their buildings. They didn’t get their lights back on for 45 minutes.
~A: And South Lebanon…how does it look now, Hassan, with the protection you gave it…Allah be praised?
~N: We are still looking for most of our houses, and the Syrians will send all kinds of materials once the bridges are rebuilt and the roads reopened…as well as more rockets, of course. Then, too, the Israeli army will have to leave before we can get down to serious work.
~O: You will pardon me for sounding a bit skeptical, Hassan, but am I to believe the Israelis destroyed all infrastructure…Allah be embarrassed AND aggravated? And what are Israelis still doing in South Lebanon…unless they’re prisoners, of course?
~N: (cell phone rings) Yes…Sheikh Nasrallah here. What! Allah be alarmed but nevertheless praised! I must go, respected leaders of Al Qaida…the American news-genius Dan Rather has found an important document proving that the cowboy Bush planned 9/11…it’s noted in a recent book, with its manuscript typed on a 1967-model Royal Deluxe found in Baghdad. This changes everything. Rather claims that homicide-bombers from Crawford, Texas, have been filling the trucks headed back to my territory with equipment to blow them into Israel alive while it blows my trucks to smithereens and the drivers to Paradise…Allah be praised, alarmed, and merciful!
~O: Ayman, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
~A: Yes, Big O, I’m pouring…Allah be praised!